This Suicide

 

Hey guys! I know it has been awhile that I've been on here. A lot of shit has come up that has kept this pretty lady very, very busy!

For the time that I have been away from here, I've noticed that a certain someone and a reoccurring subject/topic would unmistakably pop up out of no where. It has only been these past few months or so that I would see this subject and that happens to be Suicide, hence. I know it's some morbid and dark stuff to be thinking about but it happened. I believe there is a reason for this as well.
 

This is kind of near and dear to heart so to speak. Reminiscing back, many moons ago when I was 14 years old my best friend who is like a sister to me, her brother committed suicide at a young age. He wasn't even a teenager when the deed was done. Yes, that is some pretty heavy shit to be thinking about for anyone especially for a little boy such as my friend's brother. I remember the few months before leading to his death, I too had those dark thoughts of my own. However now I know looking back, the feelings that I was feeling were not entirely all of my own.

For some of you that don't know already, I have "gifts".  Just imagine yourself being empathetic towards someone, (more likely involuntarily in my case) but that it is turned up way high. It's where you can literally feel what another person is feeling or sensing without them telling you what exactly is going on with them and they could be hundreds of miles away from you too. It's called being an Intuitive Empath. As I've aged I have also noticed that when I would have some 'sad' thoughts or feelings, shortly after I would find out why. You can say that this was the start.

 

So here I am, I was a young teenager going through puberty, feeling shitty about myself and the motives of others. Not knowing who to trust or who to believe for any matter, everyone was ambiguous to me. You can say that these were probably the worst years of my childhood. I felt like I had no friends but just people that I would talk to during recess and lunch just to get through the day at school. I was constantly bored out of my mind and I could barely concentrate. I desperately wanted to fit in but felt I wasn't accepted amongst my peers or society. 

I know sounds like what your everyday teenager goes through but it was more then just that. Finding yourself and a place in life is not an easy thing for anyone. I felt like I was worthless, a burden to others and my self-esteem was extremely low. I constantly cried myself to sleep hoping the next day would be better. Regularly I'd think if I were to do it, I was doing my family, friends and society a favor of removing myself from the world.

Now these contemplations ran for a few months and then all of a sudden it completely stopped. I was normal like the actual me again, if that makes any sense. I was back to being that bubbly, charismatic and funny person like I have always been. Things tended to look up for me at that point. Also at that time my friend and I were becoming closer then ever. Back then before when kids had cell phones at school, I kid you not they were the size of a brick, my friend had her own home phone in her room. We would literally talk for hours about nothing and still have a good time.

I remember this one particular day I called her and her brother had answered the phone. I was taken aback that it was him because she would usually answer it once it ranged. As soon as we started talking, I got an overwhelming feeling in my gut that something was wrong and that this would be the 'last' time that I am going to talk to him. I was bewildered and aghast as to why I was feeling this way. So I just brushed it off as nothing and asked if I can talk to my friend. I didn't tell her what I felt because it disturbed me and I didn't want to alarm her either.

You also have to take into consideration that I was barely learning how to use my gifts at the time. Not saying that it's any easier now, I am still learning, I learn new things everyday however at least  now I can differentiate what feelings are entirely my own and I am likely to find things out right away as to why I was feeling a certain way if they weren't my feelings.

The next morning when I went to school, it was announced to everyone there that my friend's brother had committed suicide. Different kinds of emotions ran through me that day. But the one that primarily stuck was the guilt. What if I had told someone or my friend what I felt was wrong with him, maybe things could have changed and he could have gotten the help that he needed. All sorts of what-if questions popped up in my mind but that didn't matter, fact was that he was no longer with us physically. He was going through beyond, a tough time and all the while I was precisely sensing what he had gone through unbeknownst to me.
 

Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. If you try to commit suicide and it is successful, you will Reincarnate immediately into a lesser life. In this case it means you'll come back and have to go through the same karmic entanglements all over again except this time it will be twice as hard if not even harder. Everything that happens in life is just a problem to be solved and there is always a way through no matter how hard life becomes. Taking what seems the easy way out, will only in the long run will make it harder on you. Until you break through the problems you have and learn and move forward you will keep on repeating the same lessons over and over until you do.

He definitely visits me, I can sense him sometimes though it's not as strong as I would like or he'll visit me in my dreams and leaves me messages every once in awhile. I guess this is a strange way to commemorate him. I hope he knows that he is missed and surely isn't forgotten, at least not by me anyway. Blessed be...

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, PLEASE seek professional help and take the time to call the Suicide Prevention Hotlines (US) at 1 800 784-2433 (SUICIDE) or 1 800 273-8255 (TALK). For helplines outside the U.S., check out Befrienders Worldwide.

Please feel free to follow me and leave a comment below!